for this last month I had a kind of moral crisis. I was preparing myself for the confirmation sacrament and I was not really sure whether I am fit for it, whether I am ready etc. In a way it is better when a young one is basically lead to this sacrament without much thinking. The older I get, the more I think about things, whether they are good, whether they are worth the time spend on them and so on. Thinking about things is definitely a good path to knowledge but not always to wisdom. Sometimes it is very wise to stop thinking and let oneself be lead by the higher power. Nevertheless, it is hard to recognize when God leads us and when not. I usually discern between mine and His thinking when I try to doubt, worry, think endlessly in cycles about one thing and what is more important, when I think too much about myself. The sacrament of confirmation, the Holy Spirit that I received is about making myself further from myself, giving oneself to others as opposed to doing egoistically everything for oneself. This is usually the trait that I try to follow when thinking about whether I really follow Gods footsteps or whether I only think about my own egoistical good. there is virtually no time when God is not with us. or on the other hand he may never be with us, if we never let Him in. It all about our free will and choice. We may either accept him or reject him. He is with us absolutely or absolutely not, he would not force us into anything because the choice is what he loves in us the most. It is not possible for anyone, even for God to force anyone into loving Him. The choice to give Him our hearts is the only thing that we must do alone, without His help and it is the only thing when we have absolutely free choice to either follow his will, or our ego. So the last month or two I was too occupied with preparing myself theoretically that the theory slipped into doubts about whether I am so good a catholic as to accept Holy Ghosts gifts.the more I thought about it, the more I knew that it is not possible to know everything about Church and that the theory is not the primary thing that God is interested in. the doubts may be useful if they lead us into a better decision making. On the other hand, if the doubts lead us away from God because we fear we are not good enought, then such doubts are detrimental to our lives. The more we fear God, the more we should get to him because only God is the one that may shelter us from fear. only in him we shall not be afraid. in the homily the bishop talked about not being afraid to do and say anything that we believe is right. He told me that because I chose the name of st. Joseph I shall always know what is right and what is evil as long as I stay withing the Holy Family. I hope it will be true .I do not doubt the Holy Family, I doubt my approach. Nevertheless, my fear notwithstanding I shall carry on. Formerly I used to be a much too assimilative person, I did not like conflicts and I rather talked to people in the manner they liked in order to make myself trustworthy and to ease the strain of communication deficiencies and misunderstandings. Now I should try to not talk pleasantly as I used to, which does not mean that I shall be rude, from now one I should think about staying withing the love of the Holy Family, be polite to others but I should never be afraid of saying what I believe is good or evil, because as the bishop told me, this is what the Love of the Holy Family should give me.
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