Love is a choice
I read a book lately by Gary Chapman called Five love langueges and he talked there about the pragmatics of marital status. It is virtually impossible according to his theory to lose love because love is our choice. If we stop loving, then we either lose the physical attractivness or infatuation in the partner but we do not lose love. If I say to may partner that I do not love her any more, then I say that I do not want to love her any more, not that I lost love for her. Physical attractiveness may diminish, infatuation weakens over years but the choice to be with the person may persist over a lifetime and maybe more. love is eternal. I think that the difference between love and infatuation is also in the need to have a reason. when I love, I do not need a reason to be with the other person because love does not need reasons. when I am infatuated, then I see the attractivness of the other person and I base my will to be with the person on the reason the she is beautiful, clever, witty, rich and so on. same with fondness. When I am fond of someone, I usually have a reason for it. I can be fond of my partner but also fond of a friend. fondness or liking is when one looks for a reason to be with the other person in an intimate relationship-for example having similar ideas, notions, occupation, lifestyle, friends, education and so on. all these things are important but what if they diminish? we all change so what if these change? do we divorce then? If there is only liking, fondness, infatuation then once the person changes, gets older, stops reading the same music, we lose a reason to be with her and acquire a reason to be with someone else. on the other hand if I love someone, I do not because I believe in that person and I love the person her faults and positives notwithstanding. I love that person and I do not need a reason for it. If I seek reason to be with the persone, then we cannot talk about love but rather a friendship because friends come and go based on how mutual interaction works and as long as we have a reason. in order to like someone, we need a reason, in order to love someone, we do not need a reason but a choice-love is not racional and resists all our reasons, calculations and analyses. maybe in a paradoxical contrast to this there is the pragmatical love and the five love languages of G.Chapman. He says that if we love someone, we even to things that we may not like ourselves but know that it may make happy the partner-these are the languages we all have different and then do not understand the partner if I do not understand her love language. I may not like doing the chores at home but do them because I know that it makes her happy. on the other hand, the woman may not like cycling but does it because it makes the man happy. chapman also talks about the sexuality and that women usually do not have so frequent need to have sex-but rather talking or intimate touches and caressing. For women the need to talk and touch is as important as for men the need for intercourse. for women talking is a kind of foreplay that may or may not result in intercourse because even the talking satisfies them. on the other hand, they should accept that men usually do not get satisfied with talking (although they do not in order to make women happy-to talk in their love language, and then women should talk in the love language of men and accept having sex more often). There must be the will to talk in the language of my partner on both sides. Chapman also says that we must not think that we calculate with this in order to get the most of it-not at all. we just learn what the partner likes and do it because noone is same as someone else. via learning to talk in the love language of my partner and accepting the partner and teaching her my love language we do the choice to be together-to love. we show that we do not have a reason to be together-we have different love languages and approaches and yet we want to be together because we made the choice. the choice to speak the language is not calculation, it is not hypocritical thinking. it is the proof that the person I am with is precious to me and invaluable and that I am willing to change (because all life is inevitably change and entropy) for her and be with her any reasons notwithstanding.
Používam Rychlý zápisník