I would like to philosophy a little bit about relationships generally and about what is good in intimate life before and after marriage. My view is basically a Christian one. First promiscuity: when a girl is young and lives sexually with all her partners, it hurts her although she knows it. Every sexual partner bears with him possible genes or viruses of his former sexual partners. On the other hand, one should not reproach his partner for having many sexual partners before him if the girl is conversant with the fact that it is/was wrong and that she does not want to do it again. Her conscience should tell her so. Dont be afraid to talk about the past,but dont force her to talk about it.truth uncovers itself. She should have confidence in you that she can tell everything and will not be judged or repudiated by you. Even if you learned that she did horrible things, had dozens of sexual partners, her past is not her present. Her past is deleted once she/he accepts Christ into one´s heart, soul and life. Past is a mirror of our life but nevertheless everyone has a choice to do good and turn into a good person, even if this would happen seconds before one´s death. Past should not influence the present, although it may be hard for the more religious to accept it – if for example the other partner was living a pure life, nevertheless, never judge your partner for her past, never judge anybody. Present is what matters, future and past cannot be changed. This belongs to God only. Choice is what matters. Not to have someone who is better than my actual partner, but to make the choice to love her, because even the fact that we came together is God´s plan. Until we love each other, let us not think about outer factors, hobbies etc, because there things are not essential to relationship, love is. To make a choice to love her, her weakness and past and our differences notwithstanding. Let us not seek reason why not be with each other, let us enjoy the greatest reason to be with each other. Choice to love is eternal, everything else decays and is prone to change and mutability. Choice is what depends on use. Appearance changes, hobbies change, but choice depends on us always.
Another thing is what to stay pure until marriage. When I talk about this with some friends who live sexually with their girls, they usually have fun of my talk or denouce it. Usually we arrive at consensus, that what I do is basically more difficult than what they do and that they (even unconsciously or unwillingly) have a reason to look up to me. This I say not because I want to feel egoistically or better than them (although this feeling always lurks somewhere hidden, but until one does not give up to the thought-any sinful thought when it comes, if one does not indulge in it but throws it away, it is not a sin. Evil thoughts come all the time, the crucial thing is what one does with them – do I indulge in my evil phantasies or do I renounce them- this is the question) but because I want to shem them a better way of life. What is pleasurable – sex prior to marriage may not ( and usually is not) the right thing to do. I have faith in life as the most sacred thing given to us but I also try to live life in faith. Faith in life, life in faith is what we should feel. To have faith in live means to give up our bodies to our Creator and to for our bodily pleasure. This does not mean that I should not kiss or caress my girl, but I should always bear in mind, that not we are married should the physical contant be or arousing character (fore play for sex). I would say that even caressing and kissing and even holding of hands is basically love-making, because every such contact should lead predominantly to marriage, if it does not, then such a relationship is predestined to be doomed because it only seeks egoistical pleasure. We should not be stressed if this touch or that on my partner´s body is sinful or good. This is not about a limit(for example kissing on cheek is good, kissing on neck not). Sin/goodness is not about limit but a dichotomy. Two poles. Black and white, Good and evil. On the other hand, let us not be afraid to push the limits, because unless I touch my girl on places formerly avoided, I cannot know that out love (physical nearness) grows. Growing of physical nearness it possible only in a relationship that aims to be consumated before God, not in a temporal (intentionally) relationship. This does not say that I should push the limits to play with fire – on the other hand, to know what is good will keep me save, because I always see if the touch I perform is good or not -that is the reason why one should not be afraid of touching partner´s body everywhere where he/she is not sure. Of course some places are forbidden even withou trying. It is not good to touch genitalies because this usually leads to arousing and further to sex – this should be after marriage. On the other hand, let us not be afraid to touch the partner everywhere to see for myself that it is not good. Once I see that me or her gets around, then I have a choice either to stop (go against my/her pleasure and not sin) or to sin and continue in arousing her/my lust. When I touch her and see the it makes me or her aroused and stop, then this is not a sin (unless this was performed in order to become aroused, if it was performed in order to learn if it makes me aroused, then it is not a sin). These are challenges to fight with sin and with ourselves – the evil within ourselves, withi our selves. Do not shun challenges but be ready to fight them, sinful thoughts come all the time. Thought are not sinfull in their essence, sin is what we do with them (either indulge in them or fight them). Do not be afraid to touch anywhere because it will also show you when is the right time to get married and consumate your marriage.
Similarly with sexual practices. Different practises than vaginal intercourse may not be sinful in their essence, but unfortunately very often lead to egoistical pleasure as opposed to doing good for God (and consequently for my partner, myself). Again, these practices are a challenges, once I see them as pleasurable for my ego, I should stop doing them but once I feel that our love grows through doing them, then I may be sure that it is for God´s glory. Different than vaginal intercourse should not be a way out of boredom in a relationship. When one starts to think in this way it is a way to hell, to perversion. One´s body is a sanctuary. To touch your girl everywhere is to love her or to destroy her. If one does it with evil thoughts (egoistical pleasure) then it is the greates sacrilage. When one does it in order to make her happy, show affection and love, then it is for God´s glory as well. When thinking about my partner only as a tool to satisfy my needs, then I will never be satisfied and eventually will start hating her/him. Similarly with contraception. I convinced by friend not to take contraception. One of my greates achievements as a Christian, though I am boasting. To use contraception is to use my partner´s body as a form of satisfaction, nothing else. Once I am able and willing(!!) to wait until we can make love, then it is a proof of my love (of course this must not be a calculation. I must not masturbate or indulge in any other form of autoeroticism. One should also be a support for each other. If one of the partners is around then the other should not let her/him continue. This would be rape anyway. Imagine that your girl is so horny and cannot (really?) controle herself and starts to undress you. Imagine holding her hands to not do that. This is basically a converse rape, you hold her tightly, she cannot move, but she was the one who started with undressing. I would say that girl has then so much confidence in you, because usually man is the one who is prone to allow take his body the control over his sexuality. On the other hand, man should not be a patriarch that has a subdued woman. It should be an equal relationshop. Nevertheless, woman usually need a dominant male. This dominance should nevertheless stem from my egoism but from my love and affection for my wife.